my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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