I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
