fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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