yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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