And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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