I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
