I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you guys were way drunker than both of me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
