Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
