When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
