I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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