The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
