i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
