Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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