"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
