i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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