Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Boobs speak an international language.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
