You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize