i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
