One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
