Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
