carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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