In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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