Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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