So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
