so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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