Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
