I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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