No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
