today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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