you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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