My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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