i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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