I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
