Someone shit on the floor
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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