He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
