Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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