Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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