I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
