The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
