I puked a lego.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
