i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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