Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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