There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
