Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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