If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize