I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
