Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
