i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
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