you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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