Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
