Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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