put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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