I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
