nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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