Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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