My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
